In conversation with someone recently, I was asked to name a few things that I loved.
After thinking about it for a while, this was my answer….
I love sunsets and sunrises, the smell of the earth after the rain has fallen. Photos of cute puppies and kittens. I love reading, the smell of books, new and old. I love singing in the shower. I think music is life. I love my family, my beautiful friends, just as I’m sure I’ll love my future husband and future kids. Oh and I love God, I love love love God.
I congratulated myself on the answer because it was witty and intelligent….if I do say so myself. I was so proud of that statement, but as I analyzed and replayed the conversation hours later (I tend to do this a lot, because I always feel like I left some things unsaid), I realized that there was one thing, or rather person, that I had left out……Myself.
And that point was emphasized a few days later when I saw this statement on someone’s whatsapp status…
Have you ever read something that has got you taking a good look at your own life?
This simple statement made me reflect on myself and where I lie in all the things that I love and if I’m being brutally honest with myself, I don’t know that I’m way up on that list.
I remember a time when I wasn’t even on the list of things that I loved.
I felt hated and misunderstood, therefore I hated myself. I’d call myself ugly long before any one could, so I wouldn’t feel the sting of the words. My rationale was that if I already knew that I wasn’t beautiful, someone else saying it to me wasn’t going to hurt me… Except it did.
I had a book that I’d written in….you’re an ugly girl…..you’re not good enough…you’re not enough.
This wasn’t helped by memories of adults saying things like, “you shouldn’t smile too much, your teeth are awful.”
Or, “Such an ugly child.”
It was only later that I realized that because I saw myself that way, everyone else would see me that way too.
My past circumstances withstanding, I knew that I had to do something before I lost myself. I had to learn how to love myself.
I am now just learning how to accept myself, flaws and all…
It’s hard, it’s extremely hard.
As humans, especially us females, we have a comparison thing going…
I look at what the world has set as its standard of beauty. I am compared or I compare myself to someone who is “prettier” than me or who dresses in a different way than I do, on trend, slay queening, or whatever…
I have no way of possibly attaining this standard.
My breasts won’t be bigger, my thighs will not have a thigh gap, my skin will always be darker, my teeth will always be small, my eyes, tiny and I’ll be plump…but that’s okay.
That’s fine because I am perfectly imperfect.
I have come to accept that we are born looking different for a reason. And that we are all beautiful….God doesn’t make mistakes.
So I’m learning to love myself and it’s a deliberate effort. I have to keep reminding myself that there’s no one else like me on earth.
I have to remind myself that I am beautiful and that I am loved.
1 Peter 3:3–4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
P. S. This is one thing that I’ll keep talking about because it is journey and I’m no near the end.