Silence – A Poem

The past few days have been some of the toughest that I’ve ever been through. The one thing that has kept me going and stopped me from drowning under the weight of it all has been my village. My friendships. My people.

One such person in my village sent me a poem that I just had to post. A poem that put into words everything that I have been feeling. Because I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have the words. The gratitude, the weight of grief, the hope.

I’m thankful for my village. Thankful for Andrew Ojara for these words.

My comfort is from my friends and the fact that my dad rests with my sister and the angels now.

Silence…

I am silent

Am I silenced?

Am I speech less?

Or is it speechlessness?

What do you call it, when in a world made of words said, written, shouted, thought, I can’t fully explain what’s seated in my breast.

The heaviness
The somberness
The fact that I’m so infused with confused emotion,
It’s like I just stepped outside to learn that I was drowning.

Here I am
Standing but not really
Here I am
Floating like a sad balloon full of air But falling with all the weightiness of that’s in it’s heart.
Here I am
And yet, here I am not

Here I am not
Of the state of mind to be in control
Here I am
Not able to say everything that needs to be said  because I can’t say it to you
Is it not you who really matters in my world of raging words?
Will I ever be able to say them?

So here I am,
Not certain that the weight of the helium that’s taking me down can be exchanged or Simply switched so that I can breathe.

Breathe, oh yes dear me, breathe.
I will myself  to lungs full of air
But all I really need
Is a breath full of relief.

You know?
To take a sigh and with it let go of every little weight that’s anchored me in this drift
To take a leap of faith and be steadied
But when you jump off a cliff, you can only spell a fall

You know?
Or do you?
How do I let you know?

How do I let you know because I want to?
How do I let you know because I need to?
How do I let you know that all I need
is air

How do I let you know that… all I need
is quiet, not silence

How do I let you know that all I need
Is to be held

To be held so that I can take warmth from you for my world
To be held so that I can stop standing and fall fearlessly
To be held so that I can stop raging and rampaging through my mind
To be held so that I don’t have to breathe
To be held so that for one moment
Just one moment
I can stop.

I can’t reset it.
But could I stop?
Stop just long enough to be able to run again.
Stop?
Just long enough
To have clarity
Stop!
Just long enough
Just long enough
To know that you want me to go on
Stop!
Just long enough
To realize that they want me to go on
Stop!
Just long enough
To realize that we all want to go on
Stop!
Just long enough
To stop clutching at straws
Stop!
Just long enough
To accept that I could go on

That I could go on
Such words – those
But yes, can I go on?

Will I go on?

How will I go on?

Where do I start?

But first, how do I stop?

Maybe I’ll just say a little thank you in honour of you.

A little thank you for being here

A thank you for being here enough for me to cry

A thank you for being here enough that I laughed
A thank you for being here to watch me grow
A thank you because how else do I say what words won’t  learn to make out?
A thank you because my heart can’t seem to witness my truth as clearly as it always does
A thank you because thoughts fail me for in their races I am unpaced
Thank you because …

Thank you for being here ….


Andrew Ojara

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone during this pandemic or ever. May these words bring you a measure of comfort. And thank you to all those that keep reaching out. I’m grateful to all of you for your kind words and even when there no words at all, I’m thankful that you reached out.