How I Escape Covid-19 in UG: Easy Hacks

By M.K. Rushokye

First of all, did you guys hear about how the UN removed marijuana from dangerous drugs list? Crazy. No one feels it yet but what a time to be alive. Imagine, in a few years, wedding party organisers having to add to their budgets, ‘five crates of beers for the bako(in-laws), three bunches of matooke, and two kilos of cannabis.’

Will we eventually start having both cookies and cake at functions? It’s a far shot but hey, it’s 21st century, creating the impossible defines the times and I’m not just talking about the fact that the Kardashians’ dad is in menopause.

So, yeah, weed might actually be a big feature of the century’s second vicennial. Fasten your seatbelts future parents. Your kids might not sneak out for a party but they will not be home either. But enough about Wiz Khalifa, I’m here to talk about a different lung related subject; Covid-19.

I am a Munakampala by tribe, or call it Kampalan for the white at heart. I know this city more than any other location in the cosmos. The city is vibrant, unforgiving and filled with hidden opportunity.. Unfortunately, at the moment, it has also become filled with multitudes of strangers that could be carrying the plague.
Being a Munakampala is a lot more than just growing up within the seven hills, it also involves being smart in the shrewed sense. Those who can’t keep up or aren’t yet lucky, the rain washes down the hill into the hunger games-esque valleys.

I won’t get into how smart I am about life. But I will tell you how smart I am about dodging the floods of the pandemic that have already washed many down the hill and into the valley of no return…ticket. Sorry, I just had to. No disrespect…acle.

Anyways, I leave you all to decide if I’m actually smart or I’m just a muyaaye (street smart) 😊 Disclaimer; these tricks have been tailor suited to work only in Uganda.

First of all, prevention is better than cure, as we all know from listening to health ministry ads on radio. This is what they meant:

Avoid going out after the curfew time of 9:00PM. Whether it’s to hang with a friend, or to go out to buy a saucepan(one day I’ll tell this story), or going out of bed to pee. You risk running into Covid and his gang. If Covid finds you on the street beyond 9:00pm it’s even worse, this virus is deadly. However, if you have ten thousand Ugx on you, the virus might be considerate and let you off with a warning. Twenty thousand if you are in a car.

Avoid the bar, if you want to to socialize, go to kikuubo. Info: Kikuubo is the most populated part of kampala’s CBD. Millions come through there and the vicinity everyday. That is the reason why the Coronavirus does not spread there. It doesn’t know who is who. Everyone knows the amount of confusion the chaos of Kikuubo brings to a person. It’s dizzying. Now just imagine what it would do to a tiny submicroscopic being. That chaos could confuse the dear tidbit’s protein coat off and out of existence.

Going to the bar is literally looking for problems because the bar is where Covid-19 and her friends go out to drink. Going there could cause you trouble whether you are married or not. You might take a little too many, get involved with Covid and her friends ( depends on your game) and leave the fun night with a virus. Stay safe, don’t touch soft parts, and always wear a co…vid face mask.

Wear yellow not red. Dressing up in a yellow t-shirt or anything yellow is a vaccine in itself. You will be totally safe, unless it’s November, 18th 2020. Otherwise you can hold a concert, zero distance and even attend a political campaign rally. Having the fountain of honour’s face on the shirt is an added shield, literally bullet proof. I don’t know how it works with yellow but I have a theory. The sun is yellow, the Coronavirus hates heat. Two plus two is four minus one that’s three quick maff.

The colour red, on the other hand, is the colour of what the Covid gang wants the most; blood. It’s a bold risk to wear it or even try to carry out any of those yellow t-shirt activities on Covid’s turf. Corona enters dangerous territorial mode when it sees red, and the symptoms are even more adverse, brutal, and tragic. Many have died of bullet wounds due to exposing themselves to Covid-19 in the wrong gang colours. Pablo Escovid.

For now that’s the extent of my street smarts. I know at this point you’re wondering how people didn’t notice these tricks. Great hacks, you should try them out. Even as I type this right now, I’m walking through Kikuubo at 10:00pm with my fifteen thousand Ugx because I am also riding a bicycle and I’ve never felt safer. Just to make you feel safe if you think I’m a quack, I smeared my hand with a sanitizer before I started typing this for you.

Of course, it’s needless to say that if you truly want to be invincible from the plague, just head out to Tanzania. Tz is what Jerusalem was in World War Z. Either Magufuli bribed the almighty with all that government money that he keeps saving, or there’s something in the coconut rice.

Thanks for reading.


Much love y’all


M.K. Rushokye

A huuuuuge thanks to Kev for this piece. I laughed while editing it. Head on over to his house/blog where he peddles this humourous type of writing: thekevmanexpress.wordpress.com

He is an artist and a writer. He has a book coming out soon. Be on the look out for that.

If you want to be featured, do not hesitate to get in touch. mableamuron@gmail.com